It’s weird how my thoughts are so solid when I am low. I don’t mean that I am more focused on the task at had, because that is the first to go when I am low. But I have realized that when I am low I have an almost omniscient look at life. I know, I know I told you its weird.
Anyway I realize a lot of things about myself when I am low and my brain slows down enough to let me think about it. One of these facts about myself is that when I am low I have this irrational fear of asking for help.
Sometimes I don’t need help when I am low. I am perfectly fine with taking care of myself at these points. But sometimes it gets to a point where my blood sugar is so low that I just can’t do it on my own. Too bad that’s not when I ask for help. No, Inner Rachel convinces me that I am okay and I can do this.
So then we get to that point where I’ve gotten so low that I can’t ask for help. That’s when I realize that it would have been easier just to ask in the first place.
I really don’t know why I do it. Why do I convince myself that 30 mg/dl is a cool number to go ahead and walk around campus and to get myself a snack? Maybe it’s my brain messing with my thoughts, or maybe it’s this inner want to not have to deal with it.
Lately I have been thinking I do this because I just don’t want to bother others. As I write this it all feels dumb. How hard can it be to ask for help when I need it? I would ask for help at the grocery store or any other situation. What’s the difference?
I guess its just when it comes to my diabetes I feel that I should be the only one who should have to worry about it. I secretly hate being the “damsel in distress”. I want to be strong and I want to be in control of my body at all times. But of course that just can’t happen when it comes to low blood sugars.
I can’t control the numbness that happens in my mouth. I can’t control how shaky my hands become. I can’t control when my eyes begin to blur. I can’t control how incoherent my thoughts are, and it scares the hell out of me.